O ouranos....

[Geske 37]

Please may I ask your attention for this very, VERY beautiful song by Stavros Kougioumtsis!

It's an old one, from the albums "Giorgos Dalaras" and "Na'tane '21". There is a translation on the site but IMHO it could be better. I will post here:

1. My suggestion (based on the "Ultimate collection" CD booklet)

2. The translation from the site

3. The greek lyrics, also from the site, for reference.

I suggest this - tentatively!!!

The sky is rolling heavily

1. The sky is rolling, it is heavy

2. Over my life

3. But the memory of you is left

4. To keep my soul in one piece

5. I have no eyes to see you with

6. No heart to speak to you with

7. My withered arms have fallen off

8. And how am I to hold you?

9. The sky is rolling, it is heavy

10. It takes away my dreams

11. And inside my scorching fire

12. Another fire sets me alight.

(repeat 5-8)

The posted translation is:

The sky is heavy

1. The sky moves heavily

2. over my life

3. but your remembrance remained

4. and ties up my soul.

5. I don't have eyes to look at you

6. nor heart to speak to you

7. my hands dropped motionless.

8. I have no way to hold you.

9. The sky moves heavily

10. taking my dreams along

11. to the fire that burns inside me

12. bringing another flame

(repeat 5-8)

The original is:

Ο ουρανός φεύγει βαρύς (Σταύρος Κουγιουμτζής)

1. Ο ουρανός φεύγει βαρύς

2. πάνω από τη ζωή μου

3. μα η θύμησή σου έμεινε

4. να δένει την ψυχή μου

5. Δεν έχω μάτια να σε δω

6. καρδιά να σου μιλήσω

7. πέσαν τα χέρια μου νεκρά

8. και πώς να σε κρατήσω

9. Ο ουρανός φεύγει βαρύς

10. τα όνειρά μου παίρνει

11. και μες στην τόση μου φωτιά

12. άλλη φωτιά μου φέρνει

(5-8)

So let's hear your corrections and make this a GOOD translation!!!

(Edited by Geeske at 10:18 am on Aug. 6, 2001)

[Michael 2]

Concerning the first line:

In a dictionary I found the word "pass by". Maybe that this is closer to the original than "rolling" or move? Because the greek word "fevgei" refers to a certain type of moving, that is "moving away" (from someone or something). So perhaps something like:

"The sky is passing by heavily

over my life"  (if this is correct English )

(In German something like: "Schwer zieht der Himmel ueber meinem Leben vorueber" )

Line 4:

"to keep my soul in one piece" would have a rather positive meaning, is that right?

whereas "... ties up my soul" has a rather negative one. (?) So it is of importance to find a correct interpretation of the Greek original. I always thought that it is something negative which happens to my soul by the memory/remembrance, but  perhaps I am wrong.

Lines 9 to 12:

Here I would prefer the second version because in the original obviously it's the sky which causes the other fire/flame:

"O ouranos fevgei ... kai mes stin tosi mou fotia alli fotia mou fernei."

This is made clear by the translation: "... BRINGING another flame". (Only that "flame" should be replaced by "fire" as the greek original also uses this word two times.)

Line 11: In Greek we have "... tosi mou fotia". So wouldn't it be necessary to add in the english version a word like "big" (e.g.: "to the big fire that burns inside me" )?

(Edited by Michael at 3:41 pm on Aug. 6, 2001)

[Geske 37]

Lines 1-2:

Apparently, German and Dutch both have the right verb for 'fevgei' in this context, but English lacks it - so here are some possibilities culled from the Thesaurus:

a. The sky is heavy, surging forth over my life

b. The sky is rolling by, heavily, over my life

c. The louring sky is rushing forth over my life

b. is probably most litteral, but I like 'louring' a lot - it is a special word for black towers, of clouds or otherwise and 'rush forth' is a bit formal but nicely dramatic...

Line 4:

If the line can have two meanings in Greek, we ought to try and keep both in the translation. How about, simply:

3. But the memory of you is left

4. To bind my soul

It breaks the rythm, which is a pity, but at least it leaves open whether the poet wants his soul bound or not.

Lines 11-12: would this come reasonnably close?

11. And to my scorching fire

12. It brings more fire still

[Michael 2]

Concerning lines 1-2 I must leave it to you or other experts for the english language to decide .

Line 4: Yes, I think that "bind" would be a good solution.

Lines 11-12: to my mind also o.k. (as "scorching" means "καυτός" / "ζεματιστός" as I found out now with the help of my English-Greek dictionary ).

[soc 1]

Lines 1 and 2 are free to interpretation. I like c as well.

Line 12 I would say:

It brings even more fire

I agree with "bind"

And that's it. Let's put it on. By the way, wasn't this the hardest one so far?

[Lynne Kleanthous 0]

I really like this song but sorry guys but I have to disagree with line 7, withered implies diseased in English and I think it sounds wrong.  I haven't thought of anything better yet, although in another translation they have written " my hands dropped motionless".  

As for c this is never used in spoken English and lookes really weird to me and I would never get the meaning from louring (it might be in the dictionary but not in use).

This is the problem with using just a dictionary you find expressions that are never used and then it can't be understood properly.

Bind is ok although I have reservations again it wouldn't be used in this context.

Sorry - but I can only express my opinion.

I don't have much time now and you are rushing to put these onto the lists so I cannot find the time to go through them so quickly, and come up with alternatives.  

I don't think that any of you work!!!!! you spend so many hours writing messages.

[Geske 37]

THANKS EVERYBODY!! For the comments, but also for being so incredibly polite and gentle in making them!!

You know, I do this to remind me why I love translating - computer manuals can get one down... This is much harder and much, much more fun. To business:

1-2:

Though louring was actually out of my own head, I agree too many readers would not know it (I wouldn't have suggested for a less poetic text anyway). How about this, then:

1-2: The sky is rushing by, heavily, over my life

4:

I know, "to bind my soul" does sound strange! "To tie my soul to..." would be better if only we could say what it is tied to - but we can't. I haven't found anything better yet.

7:

For νεκρός my dictionnary gives "dead, lifeless". Hence I suppose "withered", like for a tree. "My hands have dropped dead" or "fallen down lifeless" would be all wrong, the problems of English idiom! Perhaps this might do:

7: "my hands are hanging down, lifeless"

11-12

I've thought of this to stay closer to the meaning of "τόση" (but it means putting in the extra 'already'). For what it's worth:

11. And to my fire, already so large,

12. It adds even more fire.

Let's have just one more round of comments on this OK? To take too long over it would spoil the poem.

[Lynne Kleanthous 0]

How about

3  but your memory remains

4  engraved in my soul

There is also enclosing my soul, encasing my soul, but somehow I get the meaning more from engraved although it isn't a literal translation.

I need to print this I'll be back in a minute

[Lynne Kleanthous 0]

Ok I'm back

1  The heavy sky rushes by

2  over my life

3  but your memory remains

4  engraved in my soul

5  I've no eyes to see you with

6  nor heart to speak to you

7  My useless arms hang by my side

8  and no way to hold you

9  The heavy sky rushes by

10 taking away my dreams

11 bringing more flames

12 to the fire burning inside me

I have had to switch lines 11 and 12 around to make it correct english (Poetic license maybe allowed?)  Flames are part of a fire, therefore you are adding them to the fire, this is how I see it anyway, giving more pain than was already there.

See what you think now.

[Geske 37]

Lynne you're great. Adding flames to the fire - yes!

Let's keep it that way!

[Herbert 0]

The music is as heavy as its lyrics - and it's worth to add a german interpretation. I agree very much to the english one as it is brought up to here. Maybe however, you will find some differences in comparison, due to the fact that each language has different opportunities in expression.

***

Schwer senkt sich der Himmel

ueber mein Leben

aber die Erinnerung an dich

hat sich in meine Seele eingegraben.

Meine Augen, sie koennen dich nicht sehen

mein Herz, es kann nicht zu dir sprechen

wie tot fuehlen sich meine Haende

wie sollte ich dich damit halten ?

Schwer senkt sich der Himmel

nimmt mir die Traeume

und entfacht in meinen Innersten

ein neues Feuer.

***

I'm aware that the lines , retranslated into Greek, would not always give back exactly the original. Just tried to do it well in German without leaving the sense.

Herbert

[Olga Fendrych 0]

Thank you, Herbert!

I'll read this carefully in one week after Paris' journey, promised.

[Geske 37]

I've lost count how of many times I've translated this song. It never comes out the same twice.

Like when he sings it.

Ο ουρανός φεύγει βαρύς_____||_____ The sky so heavy

Μουσική: Σταύρος Κουγιουμτζής_____||_____ Music: Stavros Kougioumtzis

Στίχοι: Σταύρος Κουγιουμτζής_____||_____ Lyrics: Stavros Kougioumtzis

Ο ουρανός φεύγει βαρύς πάνω από τη ζωή μου_____||_____ The sky, so heavy, is rolling away over my life,

μα η θύμησή σου έμεινε να δένει την ψυχή μου_____||_____ but the memory of you has stayed to bind my soul

Δεν έχω μάτια να σε δω καρδιά να σου μιλήσω_____||_____ I have no eyes to see you, no heart to talk to you,

πέσαν τα χέρια μου νεκρά και πώς να σε κρατήσω_____||_____ my arms fell down dead, and now how do I hold you?

Ο ουρανός φεύγει βαρύς τα όνειρά μου παίρνει_____||_____ The sky, so heavy, rolls away, taking with it my dreams,

και μες στην τόση μου φωτιά άλλη φωτιά μου φέρνει_____||_____ and to my fire, so much fire, it adds more fire still.

Δεν έχω μάτια να σε δω καρδιά να σου μιλήσω_____||_____ I have no eyes to see you, no heart to talk to you,

πέσαν τα χέρια μου νεκρά και πώς να σε κρατήσω_____||_____ my arms fell down dead, and now how do I hold you?